What a wonderful show today on communication differences between men and women. I learned so much about how men think versus women. You would think in 46 years, one marriage and several long-term relationships I would have learned a thing or two....ha!
I learned while it was fun to look at the differences between men and women, we also have to be careful about not stereotyping or assuming women will all act one way and men the other.
One of our guests Barbara J. Peters wrote a wonderful book about communication between the sexes called, "He Said, She Said, I Said." Below is an excerpt from the book.
He Said: When she uses that tone of voice with me or puts her hand on her hip, I don’t feel like her husband; I
feel like her child, and I just close down.
I Said: With this couple, it became evident it wasn’t just what the woman was saying that pushed her husband away
from her, but rather how she said it—with both her words and body language. Her delivery did not create a positive
environment for continued dialogues, and her tone of voice and stance did not encourage her spouse to respond in a
good way. If she had a way of knowing how her body language made her husband feel, she would then have a chance
to change her posture and delivery, which could positively impact their interactions.
It is possible to do just that.
Taking the time and effort to learn your partner’s needs and perceptions can go a long
way in discovering how to productively and respectfully talk with each other. The keys for understanding what
your partner might be thinking or feeling is to make sure you stay in the present, deal exclusively with the concern at hand, listen to words
spoken, and watch physical responses. Don’t let your mind think about what happened
in the past or the last time you had a similar conversation. And don’t make assumptions. Ask questions about how
he or she is feeling, right then, in the moment, with that experience . . . and then really listen, watch, and care about
what you are hearing and seeing. A person’s facial expressions and body postures can often speak louder than words.
Additionally, make sure you pay close attention to your own body language and your tone of voice, as well as the
words you use. Remember, communication is so much more than words, and if the way you deliver your words
or present yourself isn’t in alignment with what you are saying, your partner will hear the loudest statement. For instance, if you are
saying loving words in a harsh tone of voice with body language indicating irritation, your significant
other will “hear” the irritation much more than the actual words themselves. The next time you and your partner are spending time talking with each other, take a moment to look at the way you stand. Then consider what your posture, hand movements, or arm position could be saying to him or her. Is your posture in alignment with the message you want to send? Or is it contradictory? If you are the one who is feeling belittled by your partner’s body language or tone of voice, your feelings should be addressed, preferably at a time when you are comfortably and genuinely sharing with each other. Sometimes body stance becomes a habit more than a reflection of what a person is feeling. Give your loved one an opportunity to make some changes in the way he or she speaks to you instead of just closing down. I
n a relationship, each is responsible for how he or she responds, both as the one doing the talking and the one
doing the listening.
I am so with Barbara on this. Often times my ex-husband would raise his voice at me when when we were discussing something. I hate being yelled at. Did I say hate?? Yep. I believe that heightened my emotion level and I would get more upset. Even though I told him repeatedly about his level and tone...he never got it that it disturbed me. It's important to find out what works in conversations with your significant other.
If you want more information on Barbara J. Peters visit her website http://www.thegiftofalifetime.net/he-said-she-said-i-said/
Great points Barbara and very insightful information thank you!
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